Iris and I took a nice road trip to Toledo last week. We had only one day for sight seeing but this is what we have to share with you:

1.) We stayed at Bedford Inn, in Bedford, Michigan. It was just a couple of miles from the Toledo city line. The hotels were Hampton, Fairfield and Comfort Inn. They were $73-$102/night. The Bedford Inn was $43/night. Also- I love to support family owned business. This was family run- and friendly. Although the outside landscaping needed to be tidied up, the interior was very clean. Freshly painted- and tidy bedding. The only problem, the fixtures inside the rooms are aging slightly (like the sink and bathtub) and have cigarette stains. Also, the swim spa was closed for repairs. The air conditioner worked GREAT on a 96 degree day- we were in cool comfort!



2.) We went to Architectural Artifacts in Toledo. Known for their great supply of vintage and antique fixtures, it is a dream come true for any home renovator. You won’t find cheap replacements or reproductions. It is two stories of warehouse space filled with doors, windows, mantels, doorknobs, railing, gingerbreading, sinks, tubs, toilets… EVERYTHING that could be missing from an old house. And lots to choose from- friendly people and friendly cats! The only caveat- I love the kitties, I really do- but there is a cat spray problem on the first floor that may be offensive to some people. I don’t want to see the kitties go away to a bad home or anything- but the cat spray problem really does need to be fixed.
3.) After having a great dinner, we sat on the banks of the Maumee River, taking in the view of the old Hi-Level Bridge. It was such a nice time to sit with my sister. I miss her so much, and it seems hardly fair that two people who share so much should be such a distance apart.

Iris and I have owned our home for nearly six years now. We’ve worked very hard to get the other apartments looking nice for tenants. But our apartment has fallen by the wayside. The carpeting in our house is the three-toned brown sculptured stuff from the late 70’s. Years of traffic and pets and children have lived on this carpet. It’s come down to smelling worse after we’ve cleaned it than before!

My wish for several years has been to rip the carpet out and have gleaming hardwood floors. Anyone living in this part of the world knows you only have a window of three months really to get projects like this done. So, being full into June… I decided it was time to rip it all out!

Today we ripped it out and then the orange foam padding. Underneath, we found some gleaming floor with the shine intact, and some floor stained with large black rings of spills, melted snow and pet stains.

I’ve been removing gritty little bits of dirt and deteriorated carpet padding. Some advice online advises I scrub the floor and treat it with peroxide, then re-clean with plain water. Next step will be the scary step: tango dancing with the floor sander.

Does anybody know what type of wood this is?




Refinishing A Wood Floor- Popular Mechanics, November 2001

This all started with parking tickets. The City of Niagara Falls, in it’s Infinite Wisdom, made a mistake on the parking laws on our street specifically, and correcting it would take a Mafia Don, which either doesn’t exist here anymore or I have no access to.

Even government officials, traffic judges, city prosecutors and police officers acknowledge it’s a mistake and a big problem, but no one can fix it.

So, every single Monday night, Iris and I have to move our cars to another street and walk back to our house because Tuesday from 7am to 1pm you cannot park in front of our house. We are an apartment building with four feet between houses. We have no driveway. The “alternative parking” for us is supposed to be across the street but the city accidentally made that side no parking EVER.

So, every time we forget it’s Monday night, or get the flu, or get a snowstorm that buries the car beyond easy removal, we get a parking ticket. And here’s the funny part. It’s a $25 ticket if you pay it on the first three days. But if you don’t have the money- it can go up to something like $200 in a matter of days.

Needless to say, in four years, we forgot to move the car four times. I think that’s pretty good. That even includes the time that there was a family emergency and we weren’t home to move the car. But- we never had the money to pay within three days.

Present day. It’s time to renew the license plates. Iris now owes $1600 in tickets. She can have a hearing to try to get the tickets reduced or dismissed, but the City of Niagara Falls requires the puts down the $1600 to get a hearing scheduled. If the tickets are reduced or dismissed, she would get a refund. One problem, she couldn’t put up the amount. They also wouldn’t let her put up just one at a time either. It was the whole group.

So, they held her plates from being renewed. She was stuck. The only option to keep driving, was for her to revert back to Ohio residency. That’s right. The State of New York drove away yet another resident.

So, we went on a road trip back to Ohio where we still have business interests. Iris set up residence in Ohio for free, and registered the car for $50. Yay Ohio license plates. No more annual inspections- which was another reason to get tickets.

How screwed up! Ohio gains a new resident. New York- you suck.

I hope the BATMOBILE is insured!


This is urban living. One block from the mayor’s house, and several other professional people with advanced degrees and perfect landscaping: we have this. It’s an all week, everyweek show as to what will be sitting at the curb nestled in the tall weeds today. You should see the backyard and driveway.



Having a party is no trouble at all, just hang balloons up on the already filthy conditions. No need for housework or anything! The grass really started growing once someone stole their goat.

I only wish I were joking.

What can I say? That name already sounds bad. The picture of the food itself doesn’t look especially good, either, and is flanked by both a stereotypical Mexican guy in a sombrero and a sexy dancing girl with a fruit hat. Peaches are (to me) from Georgia, but canned ones are often from California. Spam comes from, as best I can figure, Hormel. There is nothing Mexican whatsoever about this recipe. So we start it off with cultural stereotypes that have little to do with the food. Great.

The recipe:

1 can of Spam

1 #2½ can of cling peaches in heavy syrup

Cloves

Brown Sugar

Drain #2½ can (1lb. 13oz. or 3.5 cup) cling peaches, saving the syrup. Slice block of Spam almost to the bottom in 5 slices, leaving enough for the slices to stay attached. Insert cloves into the top of the Spam slices. Insert peach slices between Spam slices, arrange other peach pieces around the Spam in a baking dish. Blend ¼ cup of the peach syrup with 2 tbsp. brown sugar and pour over the Spam. Bake 35 minutes at 375.

The prep:

I set the oven at 375 and went to work. It had been a while since I had eaten any Spam, and I had forgotten how softly pink it is, like a cartoon pig. Its fat content is obvious, and the smell is odd. My can had become slightly dented, so I squeezed the ends to pop the sides away from the block itself. It came out of the can in a solid piece, without leaving even a bit behind. I scored the top as shown in the recipe, sliced as instructed, and decorated it with peppercorns (I don’t like cloves).



I opened the can of peaches. It’s well-known that no one has bought peaches in heavy syrup since 1976, but these seemed fresh enough in appearance. I figured that getting the liquid to “set” was probably a part of this recipe, so I didn’t think I could skimp on them. I couldn’t resist and ate a peach slice immediately. One bite and I knew that “Lite” fruit cans suck. I had forgotten how tasty fruit packed this way is. I sipped the syrup. Wow. Anyway, I quickly found that the peaches were far too big to stick between the slices, especially in tandem as pictured.


Some fruits have obviously been bred to be larger over the years, and these peaches were big. To fit as pictured, the peaches would’ve originally had to be the size that I think of plums being, and I bet that’s a natural peachy size. I had to slice the slices in half to make them fit, and the Spam accordion still looked quite stuffed. I arranged the remaining peaches around the Spam and ate two more peach slices. I did the syrup/brown sugar glaze and popped it in the oven just as it clicked off the first time. Perfect.


The waiting:

I had picked this as the most edible bad recipe that I’ve ever seen. Having tasted the delightful peaches, I had almost resigned myself to the possibility that this recipe could even be “good.” In spite of its fifties origin, cultural misunderstanding, and processed meat product, FPSB might be tasty. It had just started smelling good when the 35 minutes were up.

The eating:

Well, mine achieved neither the sheen nor caramelized color of the Kodachrome (RIP 6-22-2009) version in the ad. In fact, it looked quite close to how it had before baking. Assured that I had prepared it properly and allured by the bubbling heavy syrup juices, I decided it was indeed time to eat. I cut a slice and arranged it with some peaches in a small dish, grabbed a wet paper towel for the no-doubt sticky juices, and dug in. It tasted like Spam with a peach slice on it. There was no magical blending of flavors. The photogenic caramelized glaze that I had envisioned was absent. It wasn’t even “crusty” on the outside at all. The peach slices were similarly hot but unchanged (and still ridiculously delicious).

The verdict:

It can be eaten. In fact, it can be improved. When I make it again (I can’t believe that I just typed that), I’ll probably bake it for at least an hour, and baste over it a couple of times with a spoon. It is cloyingly sweet, and it would probably be a big hit over at the Senior Center. I’m certain that kids would probably eat it, too. The ingredients have potential for an actually tasty combination. That said, as I mentioned in the Waiting section, this covers too many of the “bad recipe” bases for it to not be a bad one. It is. Further, I’ve calculated each serving to be a hefty 350 calories, and a serving isn’t big. The one shown in the white dish is generous on the peaches and is probably over 400. While I was a little disappointed, this is an especially edible but still bad recipe.

So, you are thinking of coming to Niagara Falls this summer to see the big waterfall. Yes- it is beautiful. But as a local resident, I have a couple pieces of advice for a visitor. I do this because unfortunately, the city’s tourist district is still run like the stereotypical 1970’s “tourist trap”. Here’s what to do and what to avoid, (briefly):

1.) The State Park is going to charge you to park and look at the Falls. Parking is the last business venture for Americans in Niagara Falls. Therefore, your car will be waved at by official looking people in safety vests and orange flags. You will assume they are there to control traffic or something. Nope- they are not officials of any kind. They are hired by the parking lots to trick you into thinking you have to pull in there. You can avoid them.

2.) The super-secret “locals” parking is on the Robert Moses Parkway- right along the upper rapids. To do this, you take the Robert Moses Parkway toward Niagara Falls State Park from Interstate 190. Stay on the Robert Moses Parkway past the “city traffic exit”. Stay in the left lane. Start watching for U-turn driveways in the median. Before you get to the actual state park, pull around in the U-turn lane and parallel park for free on the side of the south-bound side of Robert Moses Parkway. You will be at the upper rapids- it will be obvious. It’s the most up close and exciting part of the river before the big plunge. You can easily walk to the brink of the Falls, Goat Island, etc from there.

If you can’t figure this out- drive around a bit. Parking is free on Third Street. (Still a short walk to the Falls). Or drive to the Niagara Falls Aquarium, whose lot is never packed, and take a slightly longer walk. If you truly are going to patronize the casino, parking there is free and then a short walk to the Falls & islands, before or after playing in the casino. If you don’t want to do all these things, go ahead and pay the State Park- but at least you knew you had an option.

3.) DINING- Okay- this is a problem for tourists! It seems the only “American Food” is the HardRock Cafe. There is a Denny’s in a hotel- and that’s terrific if you want to pay double the usual Denny’s price and get really aggrivated. If you want to eat Indian food- you are coming to the right place! The last I counted on a short 5 block drive, I saw six different Indian restaurants. My kids are connoisseurs of Indian cuisine and they love these restaurants. There isn’t one for me to warn you to stay away from.

However, if you’d like other options, I recommend so many restaurants in Niagara Falls. If you are tired and want to stay in the hotel- order a pizza! Do NOT call Pizza Hut or Domino’s for the Niagara Falls experience. Ask the hotel for a phone book and order pizza locally. They are all good- and you can order additional items like Chicken Wings, submarine sandwiches, salads, etc. (At very good prices and generous portions.)

To find more familiar food, GoogleMaps your way over to Pine Ave and 18th Street, just a few blocks from the tourist area.


View Larger Map

Here you can find McDonald’s (24 hours), with REGULAR pricing. In that area, you will also find a quaint place called “New York Fish House” that serves excellent Fish Fry, seafood, and has an outdoor seating area with bar. Up and down Pine Avenue, you can eat at Giglio’s Diner for breakfast & lunches, and have excellent Italian suppers at either Michael’s or Como Restaurant. Pete’s Market House has great deals on tasty steaks. You can also find Subway Sandwiches and Tim Horton’s.

If you continue further on Pine Avenue, it becomes Niagara Falls Boulevard. There you can find Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Burger King. Take a left onto Military Road and you will run into Perkin’s, Applebee’s, Chili’s and a local favorite: Honey’s. (You’ll also discover the Outlet Mall and 24-Hour Super WalMart).
note: Wal-Mart Super Center opens July 16th.

3.) Don’t miss Whirlpool State Park! From the actual Falls, you would take the Robert Moses Parkway north just about 2 miles or so. This park has free parking and is beautiful. Pick up some sandwiches or fried chicken and take a picnic. There are clean restrooms and plenty of picnic tables. The view of the Niagara Gorge is excellent. The park is quiet and charming. You will take the most splendid photos there and will be able to view crazy people willing to take the antique cable car across the gorge on the Canadian side! Not to mention- you will see the green swirling waters below, that form a gigantic whirlpool in the Niagara River. A very relaxing place to respite during your trip. It’s a good place to take a book, blanket, etc and just unwind.

These are all unpaid, unofficial tips from just a local girl based on observations. I hope that something in here helps you have a better trip to Niagara Falls! Be safe and come back!

Found on Yahoo Travel: “Despite being located downtown and next to the Rainbow Center Factory Outlet and Niagara Falls Convention Center , this enclosed garden is a veritable oasis amid the hustle and bustle of sightseeing at the Falls . Many couples choose to celebrate their wedding ceremonies here, in either the Niagara Wedding Chapel or the Falls Wedding Chapel . The garden is a glass-enclosed tropical space with waterfalls, ponds and 7,000 trees. A relaxing place to visit—be it in between sightseeing tours or on a rainy day. Admission is free.”

Found on Online Highways: Wintergarden is imbued with peace and quiet in the middle of a tropical setting. Only a five-minute walk from Prospect Point, it’s open daily from 9-5. Admission is free. Adjacent to the Rainbow Center Factory Outlet Mall. Shopping & various restaurants inside the mall. A great place to go on a rainy day!

1978- The Hostettlers of Bryan, Ohio came to Niagara Falls for their wedding anniversary and discovered the beautiful “$7 million glass enclosed horticultural showcase called the Wintergarden”.

1981- Volunteers in Niagara Falls have built 50 cutouts, up to 20 feet high, of Mother Goose, Disney characters, Santa and his elves and other Christmas scenes, and five three-dimensional displays, including a 12-foot-high lighthouse and a 12-foot-long train, to add to the fun. They will be on show in a three-block viewing area made up of the E. Dent Lackey Plaza, the Rainbow Mall, the Wintergarden (a three-story collection of tropical plants) and the entrance to Prospect Park. The Wintergarden will glisten with two 26-foot-high reflecting stars and 1,000 poinsettias.

1982- St. Petersburg Times, In Niagara Falls, NY a five square block of downtown becomes a winter wonderland in December, as an opening event of the “I Love NY Winter Festival” [...] the centerpiece being the Wintergarden, where three stories of tropical vegetation become luminous with silvery decorations.

1983- Jun 27, 1983, The Miami Herald - The current wedding season requires his honor’s services for about a dozen couples every weekend who want to be married by the mayor of Niagara Falls. Call it sentiment. “I take them to the Wintergarden and hold the ceremony among the plants,” he says. “Very pretty. Very romantic.” …

1985- Dec 22, 1985 - Niagara Falls in New York State and Canada already have started their International Winter Festival of Lights. … There’s music and dancing at the convention center, free entertainment at the Wintergarden, and free train rides from 5-11 pm nightly at Fantasy Island on nearby Grand Island …

1986- . Hub of the great display will be the Wintergarden, a seven-story futuristic greenhouse with trees, shrubs and flowers next door to the Convention …

Dec 2, 1991 - ENTERTAINMENT: Music School of Niagara, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7 pm.
.MUSIC: Buffalo Gateway Chorus/Sweet Adelines, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7:30 pm.

Dec 9, 1991 - MUSIC: Williamsville South Chamber Ensembles, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7 pm. ENTERTAINMENT: Croatian Creations Tamburitza Group, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7 pm. MUSIC: First Presbyterian Church with Gaskill Chorus, …

Dec 16, 1991 - MUSIC: Lackawanna Young Christian Choir, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7 pm. MUSIC: Sacred Heart Villa School Chorus, Wintergarden, Niagara Falls. 7 pm.

1993, August- WINTERGARDEN IS FOCAL POINT OF DISCONTENT FALLS OFFICIALS TRADING CHARGES OVER IMPACT OF EARLIER CLOSING TIME
The city administration and the City Council once again are pointing fingers at each other, this time over who is responsible for the earlier closing hour at the Wintergarden.

Meanwhile, some downtown merchants said Wednesday that the new 9 p.m. closing is hurting them.

With the doors to the Wintergarden closed, pedestrians have to walk around to Niagara Street or to First Street to make their way from the Convention and Civic Center, E. Dent Lackey Plaza and other nearby attractions to…

Apr 20, 1997 - MALL OWNERS OFFER TO BUY WINTERGARDEN Two weeks ago, the city gave the Niagara Falls Redevelopment Corp. a five-year option for use of the south side of the Wintergarden for a hotel lobby and restaurant if the development group buys the Ramada Inn at the Falls. Brian K. Meilleur, president of the development group, …

Aug 24, 1997 - Niagara Falls, NY, Mayor James C. Galie welcomed the group at the Wintergarden. “We have a jewel. We just have to refine it. … “There is no fabric to experience, no invitation to stay longer and explore the history, culture and ethnic diversity we have here,” Wysocki said.

1997 Old Falls Street, which disappeared from the life and fabric of the city to make way for a failed urban renewal project, could be reincarnated in the multimillion redevelopment of downtown planned by a group of international investors.

And the Wintergarden might have to be modified or torn down to make the plan work.

Bruce Jolley, director of planning for the Jerde Partnership International Inc., said Thursday that the firm “would like to bring the life back to Falls..

1998- LEAVE THE WINTERGARDEN RIGHT WHERE IT IS

The Wintergarden in Niagara Falls is one of the prizes of the city’s urban-renewal effort,undertaken in the mid-1970s.

The building is 107 feet high, covered with tempered glass and filled with exotic trees and shrubs. It cost almost $8 million when it was completed in 1975

The Wintergarden was designed by Gruen Associates, with Landscape Architect M. Paul Friedberg, who designed the first of the great urban malls…

2000- Jan 30, 2000 - In November, the city granted Wintergarden Entertainment an option to lease the building for 20 years, as long as Niagara Falls Redevelopment didn’t exercise its option first. Another question mark on the tourism horizon remains the Niagara Falls airport.

2000- DINOSAUR PARK MAY HATCH IN WINTERGARDEN FACILITY

News Niagara Bureau

A plan to turn the Wintergarden into an indoor dinosaur theme park, the “Wintergarden Rainforest Dinosaurium,” could be a reality by July.

Wintergarden Entertainment announced Friday it is ready to exercise the option the city granted it Nov. 4 to lease and redevelop the glass-walled downtown facility, with an option to buy the building.

The lease costs and the first phase of construction could equal about $1.5 million, said Paul A. Grenga Jr., the Lewiston…

Jan 1, 2001 - The 20th annual Festival of Lights passed into history Sunday night, with organizers already making plans for the 21st annual event. … The mall runs between Wintergarden and Niagara Falls Convention Center…

2002- GROUP URGING INCREASED SUPPORT FOR WINTERGARDEN

Published on March 3, 2002

Members of the citizens group Revitalization of Area Heritage are holding a party to try to raise enough awareness to keep the Wintergarden alive.

The free event, dubbed Wintergarden Awareness Day, will be held from noon to 4 p.m. Saturday in the Wintergarden, which is next to the former Rainbow Centre Factory Outlet Mall.

Vendors will sell a variety of foods in the glass-enclosed arboretum, and there will be musical performances throughout the afternoon.

{…}
Because Pelli’s buildings are world-renowned, Leoncavallo said the Wintergarden is one of the more significant structures in Niagara Falls. “The powers that be, so to speak, are pressuring the mayor to close it up,” she said.

Sep 28, 2003 - After giving away the plants and trees, the new owners of the Wintergarden are turning the 26-year-old downtown greenhouse into a tourist attraction for children. “People traveling to Niagara Falls to gamble are finding little for their children to do,” said Paul A. Grenga, …

August 7, 2007 The Niagara Falls Reporter - In the more than two years since the Niagara Falls Reporter made it public knowledge that Vincenzo V. Anello accepted a series of secret payments totaling $40,000 from developer Joe Anderson around the time he was elected mayor of Niagara Falls in 2003, federal agents have been looking for evidence that Anderson got something in return for his generosity.

Last Thursday, the ribbon was cut on a $3.4 million gift from taxpayers called Old Falls Street, where Anello granted Anderson exclusive vending rights in a no-bid deal during his first months in office.

But the real payoff for Anderson, Anello told the gathering of elected officials and bureaucrats, who were too busy patting themselves on the back to notice, is yet to come.

“In the not-too-distant future, Falls Street will be open all the way to the park,” the mayor said.

What he left unmentioned was that doing that would mean the removal of the former Wintergarden, now known as Smokin’ Joe’s Family Fun Center, which Anderson just happened to have had the foresight to purchase shortly before he started writing large checks to Anello, then a member of the City Council.

In making the purchase along with partners Paul Grenga, Brian Meilleur and Rick Horn, Anderson paid about $1 million for the civic greenhouse. Due to its location and the renovation it has undergone since Anderson bought it, as well as New York state’s bottomless pockets, the property would likely fetch as much as $6 to $8 million if taken via eminent domain.

Given Anello’s close ties to those three men, who orchestrated his successful 2003 campaign, and his well-documented history of accepting money from Anderson without telling anyone or paying taxes on it, the question that should be obvious to federal investigators is what his share of the big jackpot is going to be.

2007 - AUCTION BEFORE RAZING THE WINTERGARDEN- The Wintergarden is slated to officially close later this month. The 110-foot tall glass-enclosed atrium that has been a part of the Niagara Falls skyline since the 1970s.

The building, when opened in 1977, was viewed as one of the centerpieces of an urban renewal effort in downtown Niagara Falls. Anderson said he may consider building a hotel on the property, but those plans remain preliminary.

Anderson bought the Wintergarden in 2003, paying $1 million. He ran a family amusement center in the building for the past two years.

The Wintergarden was designed by famed architect Cesar Pelli, whose resume includes the World Financial Center in New York. The building went through a variety of uses during its 30-year run but was plagued by consistent turn over in plans and visions.

“It was a good building,” Bronstein said.

2008- WINTERGARDEN CLOSER TO AN END - At the same time and in a related move, the USA Niagara directors unanimously agreed to buy the Wintergarden from East Mall Entertainment LLC, a partnership headed by Niagara County businessman and Indian leader Joe Anderson for $1.6 million. Anderson had run the Wintergarden as an entertainment center the past few years, but closed the building last fall.

USA Niagara, in late July, struck a deal with Anderson for the Wintergarden.

The deal was subject to a series of public hearings.

By demolishing the Wintergarden, which was constructed in the late 1970s as part of an earlier urban renewal effort in Niagara Falls, it will create a visual corridor between the state park and Third Street while also re-opening the historic Old Falls Street right-of-way.

The demolition work will likely start next year.

2009- USA Niagara received an opinion in June from the Office of Parks, Recreation and Historic Preservation that the glass building is not eligible for the state’s Register of Historic Places because of extensive changes that have been made inside the building. (EDITORIAL NOTE: changes Anderson made.)

State and city officials have said they believe that the building is a roadblock for tourists.

They have no plan to tear down the adjacent Rainbow Centre mall, which is empty except for one seasonal tenant, a ground-level restaurant.

Niagara Falls resident Barbara Marchelos is among a group of citizens who want to see the Wintergarden saved.

Marchelos and others point to the arboretum’s architect, Cesar Pelli, as one of the reasons the state should incorporate the building into its plans.

“Niagara Falls has lost enough of its identity to some of the most ill-conceived projects, in part by changing downtown Niagara Falls into what we now know,” Marchelos said. “The planned changes by USA Niagara should recognize the worthiness of the Wintergarden project.”

June 12, 2009 WINTERGARDEN COMING DOWN-
Crews are demolishing the steel-and-glass Wintergarden in Niagara Falls

Here are some photos I took of the demolition of the Wintergarden this week. Notice in one photo, tourists wander through the dangerous equipment looking for anywhere to visit on the US side of the Falls.

This weekend I got a tattoo of myself all over my entire body. It’s actual size.

Here in Niagara Falls, we really don’t have a large franchise pizza market- except for when the tourists are in town. Or transplants who moved from the south and can’t get used to New York pizza.

The other day I stopped by a Pizza Hut and peered into the world of franchise pizza, which I haven’t seen for a while. The window advertised a web address where you can order your pizza. Papa John’s has one on their TV commercials. So does Domino’s Pizza and, well, a hell of a lot more.

Get This: There are “pizza portals” where you can go online. To find a place near you. That is on the internet. You place the order online. You get the pizza in real life at your door.

What?

This is against everything in my self that is about ordering a pizza. First of all… I don’t even know if my pizza places have a website! I think the guys at my pizza places sleep under the counter. I think they sort of live there. I also think things like payroll are kind of taken loosely. One of my pizza places was raided for selling illegal fireworks and drugs.

My pizza places answer the phones like this, “Yo! (Insert two syllable name)”

Also, my pizza places heavily admire the mafia. I have ordered from places with true names such as: “Wiseguy’s”, “Soprano’s”, “Goodfellas”. One of them has a picture of a guy in a trench coat holding a machine gun. When Rocket’s Little Italy was in business, they had real mafia memorabilia hanging in the dining room. Shoes, hats, etc that belonged to the former mafia leaders who lived in Niagara Falls. But that was a fancy place.

The real knitty gritty pizza experience is what I like. The front lobby is about four feet wide. The front counter is made of particle board, old linoleum, a spare kitchen counter, etc. When you call on the phone it’s a crap shoot. If you get the woman you are lucky. She is pretty adept at actually conversing and writing down an order. If you get the guy- you are on the hot seat. He has no time for phones. He can’t really hear you. You get the feeling he’s not really writing this down. If you had a cousin Sal, this is what it would be like talking on the phone to him. He’ll “set you up”. It’ll be forty-five minutes? Okay? Click.

Awesome. You can ask questions on the phone. I confess, it’s a minimal number of questions. Sal can’t really hear you. And he has no patience. Really- what would you need to know? Price? hah- that changes all the time. Sometimes it changes between the pizza parlor and your front door. What else do you have questions about? Seriously? Just order- let’s go! Don’t piss him off because he’s the guy hanging up the phone and then making your pizza.

Looking at the phone ordering software online marketed to restaurateurs, you can see the software is made to upsell the customer more items, take credit cards, require minimum orders and save data on you.

With the internet, you are asking a machine for food. It’s too impersonal. The machine probably makes the food. And delivers the food, dressed in matching uniforms, with matching little bags, and matching ball caps, with matching pizza boxes and lit up car signs.

And that’s just not the way pizza should be. Pizza is more than a food- it’s an experience.

Our Guest Columnist: Chef Boy-Are-Pukey

Ladies and Gentlemen: I am proud to introduce our first and only guest columnist on fuzziebutter, Chef Boy-Are-Pukey. Chef Pukey is a very experienced connoisseur of only the stinkiest, blood curdling, stomach churning recipes in the United States of America! After years of research, Chef Boy Are Pukey is willing to go into his secret archives and share with us some of his dastardly discoveries!

Take it away, Chef:

To: Poppy
From: Chef Boy-Are-Pukey
Subject: Fish Loaf

Combine the fish, bread cubes, pickles, celery, and onion. Combine eggs with soup, combine with fish mixture and mix lightly. Line greased 4.5×8.5″ loaf panwith greased paper; fill with mixture. Bake at 350 for 1.5 hours until set. Let stand in warm place for 10 minutes, then turn out of the pan and garnish attractively [like with razor blades]. Cut into thick slices and serve with suitable sauce [Hemlock, Liquid Plum'r, perhaps Lysol from the brown hourglass bottle]. May also be served cold. Serves at least 60.



Thank you, Chef. And readers: please note, the razor blades, hemlock, liquid plum’r, Lysol are all a JOKE and if you do that it’s all your own fault for being a stupid ignoramus so don’t come crying to me!