Wednesday is “Family Day” at the Salvation Army Thrift Store in Niagara Falls. I don’t know exactly what relevance the “family” thing is- but it means that almost all clothes and shoes are 50% OFF in the entire store. So we love to go. (I’ve been shopping at thrift stores since I acquired a taste for vintage clothes in the 80’s).

On this day, my mission was to find some good fleecy clothing that I can take apart and use the fabric as material to make a craft.

I was browsing through the nightgowns and bathrobes, really focused on the fabric and sort of realizing in the corner of my eye that Iris was coming down the aisle toward me. Well, I assumed it was her.

I kept looking at the clothing and sort of noticed that Iris was creeping up on me slowly so I took my time to look up and see what she was up to. Imagine my surprise when I realized that Iris had been replaced with this wicker monster!!!

I burst out laughing in the middle of the store like a teenage kid. I haven’t had such a good laugh with Iris for months and months. It felt great to be kids again- and a few other shoppers joined in the fun.

I only wish we had bought that wicker thing- it somehow could have been incorporated into a great Halloween costume!

I guess we should have seen this coming. We are the typical animal rescuing, find a home for a stray dykes. Lately we have even slipped into the recycling, organic, farm market shopping types. Still it was a real shock.

We have been really excited because the house next door has been being renovated after sitting empty for five years. We found out the new tenants were a baptist minister and his family. To try to head off any tension we fixed up a welcome basket and headed next door to introduce ourselves. They were very nice and didn’t even bat an eyelash. So far so good. Next like any normal family a puppy appeared. I noticed the puppy was all tangled up while I was outside one afternoon. I told Poppy I was going next door to let them know the puppy was in distress. Poppy tells me not to bother because she has already been over two or three times and by the time the neighbors come outside the puppy is untangled. Another case of us trying to rescue an animal from nothing. This has happened to us before.

This morning I take the dogs out and notice a cage sitting in the middle of the neighbors back yard. A few minutes later the dogs sound the predator alarm and I see this beautiful bunny rabbit hopping along the fence. I call Poppy out and we put the dogs in. Now we are speculating on how the rabbit could have gotten loose and why the neighbors couldn’t catch it. Poppy heads next door to let them know we can help them catch the rabbit. It appears no one is home. Poppy and I head next door to rescue the rabbit. The rabbit is very friendly and I have no problem at all picking him up and putting him back in the cage. Not counting the big patch of poison ivy I had to go through to get to the rabbit, but it was worth it to rescue this poor defenseless creature.

An hour later the neighbors seem perplexed to see the rabbit safely in the cage. Poppy heads outside to tell of our heroic rescue. She comes back in, I ask if they were glad we rescued the rabbit. Apparently they have had this rabbit a long time, it loves to play in the yard and then it will hop back in the cage when it gets tired. The neighbors seemed sort of amused, but maybe there was another look also. Oh my God, we are becoming the crazy old meddling dykes next door.

What is it about lesbians and home depot? Someone really ought to do a sociological study. I swear we spend almost as much time at home depot as we do Tops (the local grocery store). We have a million unfinished projects to prove it too. It’s a nice Saturday afternoon, we are cruising around in the car, the children are at home, we could go anywhere in the whole world. How have we ended up at home depot again? We have gone without food, clothing, etc. all because our budget was spent at home depot. Today is no different.

It is early in the day, we are both off work, what should we do? Okay we have a back deck project, all we need are five 1×6 treated deck planks and two hours to replace a couple of boards. Simple right? Off we go to home depot. First thing we notice is the large summer clearance section, which wasn’t there two days ago on the last trip. We are hypnotized, we have stepped into a vortex, space and time are shifting. There is the big gazebo we have been dreaming about for two years. We have looked at it a hundred times, talked about how nice it would look in the back yard. Wow, it is now fifty percent off, only two left. We do have a couple of problems. One- We are broke. I mean not really broke, but we are way over budget already this month. Second- We own a very small sub-compact car. This gazebo is in a box bigger than our car. Do these small problems stop us? Hell no, we are lesbians! Just as we are contemplating if my case of bungee cords will hold this on the top of the car a sign appears. No, I mean a real sign. “Won’t fit in your car? Rent a Home Depot truck. Quick. Easy. $19.95 first 75 minutes.” It might as well have been a sign from God. Well gee, now we have a gazebo and a truck to transport it what are we going to do about furniture. The porch furniture is after all porch furniture. We need gazebo furniture. Hey didn’t we see this oval double lounger at this other store on clearance, but didn’t have anywhere to put it? We call them up just to make sure they still have it and ask if they will hold it for half an hour. This is great! This is fun!

By the way didn’t we come here to get something?

I was at first shocked to hear of Sunday’s shooting at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville. My first sad thought- I looked over at Iris and said, “I’ll bet this was a hate crime against UU’s or something.”

Unfortunately, I was right. It seems the shooter, an unemployed daily drinker whose foodstamps had just been decreased, had expressed a hatred for gays and lesbians, liberals and accused liberals of taking the jobs of upstanding conservatives such as himself.

He entered the church on Sunday during a play put on by the small congregation’s children- with about 200 church and family members in attendance. Two people were killed and several more were injured. He left what news sources are referring to as a “four page manifesto” spouting diatribes against liberals, gays and lesbians.

The FBI is investigating this as a hate crime and rightly so. I am a member of The First UU Church of Niagara right here in downtown Niagara Falls. It is a small but beautiful congregation filled with love and compassion.
I became a member almost five years ago. I was struck by “What UUs Believe” and felt that I had finally found a loving and accepting home in a church that I could bring my family to. Our entire family has found fellowship and friendship beyond our wildest expections in this small church.

However, I am not surprised that there are people who hate us because of our beliefs. It is unfortunate, but since the large swing toward social conservatism in the United States, there seems to be developing an increasing hostility of cultural differences. The intolerants have found a voice in the media and power in the voting booths. We have become Intolerant of Intolerants and have starting speaking up. We are growing farther and farther apart.

But I’d like to step back for just one moment, as a target of hate, and lay down my cross of victimization for a few. Let’s reflect for one moment that this action of violence, of hatred, of murderous rage… it has brought us together with even the most conservative of other religions in the United States.

In December of 2007, an armed gunman opened fire at New Life Church in Colorado. In October of 2006, in terroristic fashion, a shooter walked into an Amish School and systematically shot six little girls to death.

I’d like to think about what we Unitarian Universalists can learn about forgiveness from the Amish. Can we find it in ourselves to forgive this hate crime? I feel that we can. I feel that together all religions may be able to respect in each other the right to believe in our faiths and be safe and accepted in our fellowships.

As Unitarian Universalists, I am sure we are going to be able to set aside revenge and seek peace and justice. We will be there to support each other within our congregation and reach out to the Knoxville church. We will learn to trust our UU principles to find the inherent dignity of every person, and work toward the goal of world community.

I admit it I am not a good cook. What’s wrong with a good tv dinner? Meat, vegetable, potato, some include a dessert, stick it in the microwave it’s done. No pots or pans and if you use plastic silverware it can all go in the trash. If you absolutely have to cook though, here are some tips for the hardcore non-cooking lesbian.

In situations where a tv dinner just won’t do the next step would be a roast or crockpot meal. One of my most common un-common mistakes is called the upside down roast bird situation. For years I simply cut open the plastic wrapper and threw the bird in the oven. No problem. Then one fateful Thanksgiving bird dyslexia struck. I roasted the turkey all morning, carefully basting every hour. The bird looked wonderful! I started to cut the first slice, all eyes were on me when I gasped. We had been taken advantage of, this bird had no meat! The breasts were gone! The horror finally dawned as I realized I had roasted the bird upside down. What had always been an easy meal slowly turned into trembling anxiety as bird after bird turned out upside down. I tried bird imitations and flapping around the kitchen to figure out proper orientation. All failed. Tip number one: Always buy a bird with a flip up doneness thermometer. They are always on top.

I find grilling to be the summertime solution to the cooking problem. I’m not saying I am good at grilling either, so here are some basic tips for covering up that fact. Presentation is everything if you want another human being to eat what you have cooked, but there are ways around this. I call it the “they only see one side illusion”. If the original side gets burned remember you have a second chance because your family and/or guests only see the side facing up. It’s okay if someone notices, just act surprised. Occasionally (well frequently) I burn both sides. Time for plan B, sauce covers a multitude of sins. I always keep a bottle of barbeque sauce at the ready. You really can’t be surprised if both sides are burned, feel free to now blame the grill.

Cooking is hard because we have to do it so much! Don’t give up. I hope you have enjoyed reading lesbian cooking tips as much as I have enjoyed confessing them.

Penny, pictured here in her Pirate outfit is irrationally afraid of the wind and it’s power.

Isn’t she beautiful? Penny is a special doggy. She is, what our vet tech lovingly referred to as, a “Schnabrador”. Miss Penny ShooShoo Paws is a mix between a lab and a schnauzer, or so they told us when we adopted her at 8 weeks old.
Miss Penny is fiercly loyal, every molecule made of love, cuddly to the extreme, has the longest eyelashes in the world, therefore is the cutest Blinky Blinker in the world… but Miss Penny is, well, uh…. emotionally unique. She has some strange ways about her. She marches to the beat of a different drum.
At 5 months old when Penny was taller than the bed but thought she could not jump on the bed, Iris declared her retarded. Miss Penny hung her head low. We realized that even if Penny didn’t understand that in English, she understood the idea of what Iris had just said. We started smiling and clapping and chanting happily, “Retarded is a good thing! Yay! It’s good to be retarded!”
Three years later we have been very careful about what we say and how we treat Penny so as not to injure her self esteem any further. And Penny did learn to jump on the bed. However, sometimes she likes to pretend she can’t do it and smile at us and give us the blinky blinker eyes so that we’ll lift her up and put her in bed with us. So, in that way, Penny is smart.
We have discovered that Penny is not really retarded, she’s just a late bloomer. She sort of learned everything just a little late. But it was right on time for her, and well, that’s just fine! So… Miss Penny Blinky Blinker developed a fear of big windstorms last summer. What she really seemed to be afraid of was the doors in the house blowing open or shut in the wind alone.
But then Penny got a little neurotic about it and jumped into our laps everytime the doors shifted in the breeze. She also learned (thanks Pavlov) that the ringing of the windchimes signals that the doors may move, so she became afraid of the windchimes.
She then learned that every time the breeze blows the leaves, that makes the windchimes chime, and then possibly the doors may move. So she became neurotic everytime the breeze moved the leaves. Then everytime the breeze blew the curtains. (Big Sigh).
Soon the four months of western NY open window weather was over. Thank goodness for Penny, the doors and windows went shut and she was so much better. Even giant windstorms and blizzard like conditions outside rattling the windows didn’t bother her. The inside doors weren’t moving and that was a good thing.
Now enters Spring/Summer of 2008. Present day. About the third day of open-window-weather, the doors blew a little in the breeze. Penny tried to flee. First she tried to climb into my armpit. Then into the bathroom. Then frantically trying to get under the bed. Iris and I found everything we owned that was heavy, weights, books, etc.. and used them all as stoppers for the doors. But the connection was made. It was too late.
The windchimes were making noise. The curtains were swaying gently on the breeze. You know, all of those terrifying things.
I just cannot give up my windchimes for this doggy. Isn’t that too much to ask? They are the beautifully tuned large windchimes? You know? Somebody? In the meantime, I have a 70 pound Schnabrador stuffed onto my lap with her head in my armpit while I type this blog. Wish me luck. After all, I only have about 2 more months of open window weather to get through.

Look what Poppy gave me for my birthday. Isn’t it beautiful? She purchased it for me at the Allentown Art Festivalin Buffalo.

The artist who made it has a web site for her work. Her specialty is ear cuffs and she has quite a large selection, as well as making custom cuffs. This is the first full length cuff I have ever had. It is really nice because it is bendable to fit the shape of my ear.

I collect jewelry. I especially like handcrafted art jewelry and vintage pieces from the 60s and 70s. I also make some of my own jewelry, right now I’m really into the crocheted wire beading. Maybe I’ll try my hand at an ear cuff or two.

Thanks for the wonderful present Poppy!

We spent a great deal of time fossil hunting at Caesar’s Creek State Park. It is free and you can take home any fossils that fit in the palm of your hand! We even went back for a second hunt with our teenage son and it was very intriguing!

No elusive trilobytes were found by us…. but plenty of other good stuff! Here are some photos of us fossil hunting:

Iris just got done designating Ohio as hell on Earth. However, our son was raised there most of his life and is attached to a very excellent camp in Ohio that he goes to every year.

We decided that instead of just taking him there and driving back home, then returning for the long drive at the end of the week: we just stayed and had vacation!

Most of these decisions were governed by the fact that gas prices are ridiculous and that Iris and I desperately needed to get away from home. Also… Ohio has an excellent state park system that doesn’t charge you to park or get in the way New York does.

That is where the logical thinking sort of stopped. Not wanting to drag our tent out of the basement we started looking for a cheap hotel in the area. We tried those websites where you sort of bid for your room. Well, the cheapest we found was an $87/night hotel in a little town that has nothing in it! What the hell? How is this a bargain?

Having lost our sense of reason, we euphorically decided to buck the whole system and camp in the SUV. That’s right! We are paying enough for it- we should use it for a camper as well!

We decided we would spend the week like hippies and go Wal-Mart Camping.

We fixed up the back of the SUV like a 1970’s station wagon going to the drive-in. The back seats were put down and we laid down comforters and pillows.

We lined up some good friends to watch the petting zoo and headed down the road with all the excitement and foolishness of a couple of eighteen-year-olds. It was great!

I drew this image of Iris today. We were in the car waiting for beef lo mein (ten minute). I pulled the napkin out of the glove compartment and drew this, without lifting the pen and without looking at the drawing as I was doing it.

It’s an amazing work of art!

Today we went looking for yard sales- (no luck). We drove to Hyde Park in Niagara Falls and watched the ducks who live around Duck Island.

We rented Dan In Real Life and picked up some chinese food and went home for a rainy afternoon. When Iris found out that nobody dies in Dan in Real Life, there are no aliens, it does not contain Sharon Stone nor Ashley Judd, there is no epidemic, all body parts remain intact and the world does not end, she wasn’t interested. She fell asleep on the couch as I watched the movie.

Ah, this Bohemian Lesbian Lifestyle that we lead!

By the way, I will give away this artwork on napkin to the first person who actually leaves a comment on our website, (and wants the prize!)

Yay! It’s a CONTEST!